random thoughts at work 9-17-08

this a new experiment im going to try.
im going to leave this open all day. and jot down all the random thoughts that float into my head throughout the day.
hopefully by the time i finish there will be something resembling a neat idea.

8:31am
when i was in youth group, i was kind of sold this idea that as soon as you figured out how to be a good christian, you'd experience this thing called "sanctification" which was pitched to me and my com-padres as the process of getting all the junk out of your life so that you wouldn't have any more problems. This process would take at the most a couple years and you would come out smelling like new enthusiasm.
about 8 years into this, i don't think the end of this whole sanctification thing is any where near being completed. In fact i think that its actually gotten harder.
In youth group its easy to hide behind unneeded drama from other people, or hide behind your parents or even your age, but as a young adult, you have little-to-no excuses when it comes to the junk in your life.
lack of faith, selfish ambition, pride that basically says "im smarter than God" and all the usual sins you struggled with in high school.
AND
the things that once made you completely happy now seem so very useless.
but then there are these times. so very random times. they come and they bring this kind of contentment that serve as a kind of re-charging for me. It kind of serves to say, hey, it really is worth everything you put in.

10:24am
people need to not be so rude to the people that serve them their food.
you never know what kind of "dressing" or "garnish" you might get once you've chewed them out about the quality of the cereal we have.
:D

11:40am
people complain
alot
and that might very well be the original nature of blogging (which might make this paragraph a lil bit of my hypocrisy)
this guy comes in an is just not happy with anything. the color on the walls, the bitterness/sweetness of the coffee, my total lack to fall at his feet in servant-hood, everything.
now this man has both legs. both arms. no physical ailments. He has on a tie with nice shoes.
he has a voice to talk with and ears to lisen, eyes to see and a mind to think
he also has money to buy an expensive latte with.
so why such a sour attitude?

2pm
almost done here.
and now im starting to get tired and home is looking all the more better.
i wonder if when your dying. you get this feeling only x1 million.
home. finally. now i can rest.

2:59pm
im outie 5000
later!

better late than never or everyone else is doing it so why the heck not.

well i think the last time i updated this thing was like before the summer.
sooooooo
we went to padre
-it was awesome
i took summer school
-not so awesome
best summer that i can remember
-yes
school started
-pretty gay
people going away. ie: Africa/Uruguay/Dallas
-also (but much more) gay
but all in all i think i can say that this summer will forever be "the good ol' days" from here on out
the good ol days were awesome
now that the real world has come and gave way to the days shortly after "the good ol' days" i think its alot easier that i had previously thought.
Jessica went to south america to study down there.
so far shes having an amazing time, except a minor bump on the head(literally)
but before that Clayton hopped a plane to South Africa to spread the gospel to people who may not live to see tomorrow. I am extremely glad that he is there doing the work he's doing. What a better way to fulfill God's call than to actually do it.
Then katie and kaitlin packed their cars full and headed back to the DevilBaptistUniveristy. Oh sorry DALLAS Baptist University. :D. Silly me.
While me and michael hanging back in funky town to learn greek and the bible and such.
With everyone in their respective places we started school (and some started to subsequently die of over-schooling) and started to live life as normal as one can with a packed schedule.
I myself started working over 30 hours a week while taking only 6 hours of school, the latter will hopefully pay for the former. While i hate not taking as many hours. its literally the only debt free way i can pay for school, so i resolved to work god-awful early hours and later night than normal.
all the working has kind of kept me from deep thinking
which may or may not be a bad thing, but it still deprives you of some kind of morality or spiritual lesson in this specific encounter. (which also may or may not be a good thing)

final thought
summer was amazing
school is obligatory but rewarding
while i miss my friends. i am so happy that they each are where God wants them to be, doing what God wants them to be doing. and to be mad at that is kind of like challenging Elijah to a cook off. if you get my drift.
but day by day im starting to realize all these pockets of pride and selfishness in my life, and while purging said pockets does not produce a happy steven, it produces a better, more Christ-like steven. and if this school year only does that, its going to be a good school year.

adiós good fellow ;

pigeon holed

ok so being a 20 something in college is a pretty generic thing, right?
and i was so sure that i would be so happy being a group that was associated with being healthier, more eco-friendly, smarter and all around better. but the flipside to that is that while being all these things, we are stuck in something that i dont want to be apart of.
conjure up a normal 20 something in your head
ipod-check
laptop-check
cool haircut/hat-chcek
name brand everything-check
indie rocker/hip hop gangster/pop diva/metal head-check
no respect for anyone else-check
arrogant-check
know it all-check
and my biggest beef with it all...
unable to think for two minutes without breaking down-check

see as people born somewhere in the 80's we grew up with the leisure of the 90's and the accessibility of the 00's. everything was done for us. our parents made sure we got a good future with few problems(except the massive debt from school)

what has this done for my generation?
crippled it
i strike up a conversation with people and when it gets to a point where we disagree, two things happen. 1) they end the conversation in a fit saying that i cant tell them what is right or wrong because who am i to judge them on anything OR 2) they get mad at the fact that what we are in fact arguing about, isn't important to anything and that its a waste of time.

we are a people that are so blinded by the lie of tolerance that when a problem comes up, we fall apart. so what if we disagree? we need to work it out through conversation and thought. not throw it away like table scraps.
this is why i do not like people like tony jones, doug pagitt, rob bell or brian mclauren, they have plenty of ideas, but when confronted with solid evidence proving their idea wrong, they break down and pull out the card of relative truth in which case nothing is wrong and everything is right.
what?

look i know not everyone will agree with me on everything
and i know that not everything i belive may be the truth
but when you lack the skill to tell me why its not the truth, its not going to help anyone. if you think im wrong, tell me why, dont sit there and tell me why you feel that way, tell me objective truth. dont be a pigeon holed 20 something who cant formulate a thought into words.

walking on feet

every once in a while
something just hits you in the face from left field
something you just plain out did not see comming

and it may not even be something that, if you saw comming, would upset you. but just the fact that it happened without your knowledge just can get under your skin for a while.
talkingaboutthesamesubject
i wish i was a cat
then i would just pee on everything that was mine, then other cats would know, "hey thats his, we wont mess with that" that'd be nice
but the whole nudity in public and basic grossness of pee blocks me from that fantasy
crap
other than that today was amazing. i actually kicked my shoes off and walked in the greenest grass ive seen in a while. it was nice
spent the evening in a pool with my family.
i felt normal again. if only for a while. it was nice

stomach aches

i think my heart and my stomach are connected in some weird way

no. you cant fix me pasta and have me magically fall in love with you, but you'll get close

i mean that when my heart aches, my stomach tends to hate me. its almost immediate too. im having some relationship problems and like that minute ill get this feeling that i could totally throw up if i wanted to. which is not cool.

there is a lot of stuff that isnt cool.
like the fact that when people have problems. they dont address them. and that when i should feel content and happy, im the most alone ive been in a long time. or that i cant handle money better than a monkey

craponcrap

ok...

at the risk of sounding emo, im going to venture a trip into the realm of just talking without a filter for once.

ok so im a college student, in the metro plex area
big whoop
i go the college at southwestern in fort worth
thats a select few but still, no big deal
i go to wedgwood baptist church
big chuch, amazing, but way bigger than im use to
i have friends, we hang out, they are amazing
but everyone else has friends as well
so where does the individuality come in? i mean when you look at it i am just a normal dude in dallas, going to college. but when its just me. just me inside my brain, why do i feel so alone?
i mean ive delt with this pretty much for the majority of my life. and even in feeling alone, im not the only one. but why, do i always feel so cut off from the ones that i love, and that love me.

ive got amazing people surrounding me, almost constantly. but still i cant help but read into every little thing. using it to form this kind of conspiricy theory of how no one actually likes me, but deep down they hate me and want nothing to do with me.
but i still want to believe that none of it is true.
i think it all started when i started having these moments. moments of realization. like id be doing everyday mundane things but then id get a rushing feeling of knowledge of my place in the universe. thats horrible way of explaining it but thats all i got

its more like realizing that you in fact exist
and more than half of the time its followed by the realization that i, in fact, suck at life

so then i go into this selfish pity party, then when i realize that im being selfish, i just sink farther.
the easiest way to pin point when im feeling like this is when i dont go hang out with friends.
the second i dont show up at your house to hang out. boom. you should know and it sucks cause i know that all i takes are my friends to kind of coax me out of this but when they dont call i just sink that much futher into myself.
well there you go
its 1:30am and im sounding way too emo for my own good
dueces

there we go again

Ok so i am a student in Ft Worth who is infatuated with music.

Not only am i completely obsessed with the particles of air that are moved when i put on anytime of cd/cassette/record or mp3 file, i am a student of the craft. Currently majoring in music at the College at Southwestern.

Another important fact about me is that i am a follower of Jesus Christ. This will become more evident when we trek along in our conversations for steadfastly.

Basically what this is is an attempt to bring people to the realization that music, if used in certain ways can move people into action. When John Lennon died, people reacted. Why? Because his music said something. Not only does his music say something, it says something important, thats why people reacted.

Now that we've established that fact, we can move on to the question of this particular blog. Does music describe a generation or does the generation describe the music?

Nirvana, did Nirvana bring out what was already in place, or did Nirvana put into place what they brought out?

Did Bach bring out what his generation was going through, or did Bach put into place what his generation was going through?

Is Britney Spears and T-Pain expounding on what is already in place in our generation, or are they actually the ones defining our generation?

Why does this matter? Because if we can be moved so much by songs and music in general, then we have become a generation that is not strong in anything at all, if Nirvana can establish a sense of "anti-establishment"(which might be a contradiction) and make us buy into it, then we just go off and buy the next matchbox twenty album(which im not hating, those are good guys) then what have we been rooted in? Nothing.