what do you deserve?

Ok.
so i love Law and Order.
Specifically i love Law and Order: SVU(Special Victims Unit)
I like tough moral decisions paired with puzzles. Now, it's no House M.D., but its good. (Like anyone could even compare anything to House! HA!)
But.
Law and Order, much like the judical system itself, has at its very core, this idea of "deserve".
I'm careful in my word choice for two reasons.
1)because the topic of justice is the flip side of the issue and has a million things already written on it.
2)the topic of justice is doomed to fail anyway. Christ isnt fair and neither is life.

What i've found is that a real issue in most peoples issues with other people or life itself, is that they think they "deserve" something other than whats happening.

Now.
The reason this is interesting is because this idea of deserve is a inherently bias idea. The scale is automatically tipped in your favor because...well...your selfish. Some people may indeed say that with pride(indeed, how else can they say it?) and see no problem with the issue. But i feel confident in the conclusion that if they have no problem with being inherently selfish, they are not saved

...but we're missing the point.
The point is this. You may think you deserve a good husband/wife or good job, good education, a second chance, a free meal, or even respect from people in a 20 foot radius.
Sadly. You dont
Ever since you were concieved, you had something that David calls "inequity". In short, its a hopeless bending of your soul to be selfish and sinful.
So. Every second your alive, you breath with your sinful mouth into your sinful lungs that oxygenates your sinful blood so that you may continue sinning all the marrier. With that reality in mind, its easy to conclude that you deserve absolutely nothing in any way, shape or form.
IN FACT
every breath, no matter how labored, painful or shallow, is Gods absolute mercy and grace.
So. If i may challenge who ever reads this. to take the word deserve out of your vocaulary and toss it where IT deserves to go...

i should so be reading instead of this right now

I've kept saying that ill start this again soon.
So i guess soon is now?

Should I catch you up with all thats happened? No
Am i going to? No...kinda
Ok so when i left it was fall 2008. To be quite honest, 2008 was the most enjoyable year of my life.

Then 2009 hit...and i chuckle.

I don't know how to communicate a chuckle via blog, (other than to tell you that Im currently chuckling) so i'll just reserve my right to tell you that all i can do when i think about 2009 is chuckle.

Why a chuckle? Well, lets look at a chuckle.

Its not really indicative of anything is it? It could be the result of something funny, or something awkward, maybe something infuriating, something ironic, something false, something SO false that its funny and makes someone furious and makes the rest of the conversation awkward which is all kind of ironic.
So. A chuckle it is. Most likely because things could not have looked worse from the middle of 2009.

But life didn't end when June 2009 hit did it?
No it did not.

Here we sit in April 2010 and it is remarkably different than 2009
Some examples...
Im back in school-yippee!
I got a sweet job that pays a lot that allows me to go to school.
I moved into an apartment off campus.
and a whole lot other things thats happened that make me happy

and thats where my mind has been these past few nights.
Now the concept of happy is so baffling to me. I know empirically that i like to be happy. I also know that i dont want to be unhappy. but other than that, what constitutes happiness? Who can ever be happy when you look at the world with all its pain and hurt and suffering?
But it happens doesnt it? Something distracts you for an hour, maybe a day or two, and in those few moments, you are happy. Well the conclusion of that process is that happiness isnt a good thing.(been there, done that, possiblyhadanexistentialbreakdownbecauseofit.)
So obviously Im looking at this wrongly.
Hopefully by the time i update this next i can have an answer for myself.
Toodles!

Whoaaa